Baby Steps

Good morning & a Happy Friday!!! The sun seems to be shining a bit more today than earlier this week. Yet I still feel a bit gloomy inside. I can hear the birds chirping and their songs are sweets sounds. Nature is truly beauty at its best. I try to sit down every chance I get in the mornings and write down what I am grateful for. As I write I know from the top of my head what to be grateful for but, lately, it just doesn't feel like anything when I write it down. Like I can't tap into it cause I am not there. It gets frustrating.

I am digging within myself and taking those dusty skeletons out of my closet. I will be 30 in less than 2 months and its so true what my Mother has been telling me all along about this particular era in your life. It's like the re-evaluation point. What have you accomplished since after your teen years and early adult years? What do your fruits show? And, well for some of us.... Well OK for ME, I can't quite say I am 100% happy with my "tree"! LOL (lets at least try to find some humor)

I have written before on my struggle with LOVE. As we all know, that is the most important essential in life to live healthy, happy and at true peace. I interpret the word LOVE to be Jesus, my children, my husband, my mother, my sisters, my family... And, I am now coming to learn about true love for myself, which is one of the greatest missing pieces to my puzzle. I feel as if I have such great LOVE for all whom I mentioned above but cannot fully demonstrate it  because of the LACK in LOVE for myself. How do I know this? My fruits!!! Which I am really starting to truly see what the concept of loving yourself first means. How you can't really LOVE anyone else if you aren't LOVING your own self. There is no way to do it whole-hearted because it lacks the main concept you are trying to give out, LOVE! Since you haven't experienced knowing any better with yourself, imagine with all else. (I hope this makes sense)

So it's that time of re-evaluation and well, Yeah I am desperate!!! I am willing to open up doors and options that I once never thought of. For example, I wrote an email to my father telling him how I think and feel. Really between you and I in one word I feel NUMB towards the topic. He has been absent in most my life. He abandoned me at a very young and crucial age and never made it a point to make things right. He recently found me. And , even after so many lost years and the given opportunity to come back and be a part of my life, NADA!!! (Nada means nothing in Spanish) I wrote the email as a way of healing for myself. Maybe trying to commence forgiveness. Haven't heard from him yet, but we will see. If he responds we can make that a whole other post...

I can say I see a bit more clearly now a days. If I were to look back when I first started this blog and now, I will say that I am actually starting to really feel that I am on a journey. Not looking for a destination. I feel more LOVE when I am with my children and trying to show them affection. I feel like I can listen more with compassion. I don't know how to explain it, but I know that I can feel it. So HEY!!! I am GRATEFUL for that. I actually feel grateful right now. Funny, lol how things have a way of turning out. I can hear my mom's voice in my head. "I told you mi amorcito that the intentions for this blog is for you to write and discover yourself"... LOL Hay Mother of Pearl. You have such a great sense of wisdom and wow I am feeling really grateful for that right now too!!! I am also feeling grateful for the new LOVE I can now share with myself in hopes to transcend it to my children and all the other important people in my life.

I know I still have a longs way to go, I know this for sure. But as I mentioned in the above paragraph... I am on a journey, so here's to making the experience worth my while!!!

Hope you enjoyed the read! Hope you guys have a fantastic Friday filled with everything you can possibly be GRATEFUL for!!!

xoxo